sad... but empowered

here i sit and scream along to " im a bitch im a lover"   yes... i feel just a little bit better......
 i cant wait to feel whole again.........

lame

i must be pretty damn lame. I dont really have any friends from elementary, middle or highschool. i was always a loner and part of that was my lame as schools... but still even now... the only person who has come to visit me atthe house is my sister....... my i have had a few friends come by a few times........  guess im just pretty goddamn lame.  hate being a loser... it sucks... at least i have chris...?

:-(

I just wanna be happy again............ Its been so hard doing this alone..... I want him here. I want to feel loved.... I want to have someone to talk to at the end of every day. I want to have someone to look foward to seeing at night. I want to have someone to watch shows with and snuggle on the couch. I want to have someone play with Oliver while I shower!
I just want to feel whole

FAIL

I already fail on daily blog posts. Its been very frustrating doing this alone. Oh well. We got the keys today! My mom and brother cleaned  the new place this evening. Tomorrow I will go go over and help clean some more. Im done here at this GHETTO apartment. Ready to get away. Tomorrow is my last day at work. Its been nice but once again, im done.
Oliver has been so sad lately and it  makes me sad. I guess we just have to rely on each other to get through it all right?

just sayin

some people should just NOT have kids...
 thats all

craptastic vent

Not gonna lie. Today was craptastic. I finally broke. I cried. I vented and I had an amazing man to listen. I don't want to have to move into a new house "alone". I  know I have help. I absolutely HATE asking for help in anything. I guess its time to "woman up" and  ask.  I just wish timing had been better. I wish the fucking cunt bitches in our apartment office would have done their god damn job and sent the paperwork in 5 days earlier than they did.  I'm going to go down there on my last day here and   bitch them out as i hand them their keys. I feel like being spiteful and writing FUCK YOU GLENBROOKE on the walls. But I wont. I have dealt with so much but I wont stoop to that level.
I cant wait to be DONE here. I cant wait to be able to let my son go play outside without having to worry about him getting ringworm from the ghetto kids next door. I am embarrassed to have his friends over as the garbage is spewing into the street because the dumpster is so full. I cant WAIT to have new friends for him in general. Other kids to play with.  I cant wait to have some mommy friends. I don't really have any. The people I once spent time with are to busy now and have their own lives to live. I joined a new mommy group on cafemom. I really hope something comes out of it. I have a friend who lives *semi* close to our new house.  Hopefully I can organize some playdates and keep myself and Oliver busy.
Im really looking forward to starting over. I will be taking care of 2 children during the day. One is Oly's age and the other is 3. It may be a challange but I am looking forward to it.............
On a high note. Today Oly has caught on to something. Oliver- guess what!?
CHICKEN BUTT!!!!! he replies.... more like a "kekebuhh" nonetheless I know what he is saying and it made me smile. 
Im that mom who still has her 18 month old in her bed...... Only his crib is attached. We each have our own space..... only the crib is taken down and we are sharing a full size bed and omg! he is such a bed hog! I woke up with his feet in my face SO many times!!!! BLAH! Oh well. I guess when he is 16 and telling me how he hates me( which I REALLY hope we dont have that kind of relationship) I will miss it. I love my little boy.
Anyways. I am going to shut myself up. Hoping for a better outlook and day tomorrow. 

Christmas time

I know im early. I cant wait for another Christmas.  You bet Chris' ass will be on the roof putting up christmas lights. My house will be the one that looks ridicilious with random candy canes in the yard......  I cannot wait.
I cant wait to go pick out a tree. I cant wait for Oliver to try and sneak candy canes from the tree. I am stoked for him to open his gifts. Last year he didnt really have a clue. Hopefully this year he will.
Back to cleaning and packing. Little man took a very late nap and I slept it.. Im feeling sluggish today.